Dodging Another Bullet

People don’t like to disturb doctors, so a woman with abdominal pain suffered through the night before calling at 6 a.m. I was about eat breakfast, but I would have changed into my suit and arrived in half an hour if she hadn’t told me that the pain was diminishing.

I told her I’d be there in an hour. After breakfast, I drove to the Airport Marriott and knocked. No one answered. I knocked several more times and then confirmed that this was the correct room. I was about to call Security when the door swung open. No one was there.

Looking down, I saw a woman lying flat on her face. She had crawled across the room to open the door. I dragged her to the bed and called the paramedics who took her to the hospital where she underwent emergency surgery for a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. If I’d dawdled over breakfast, she might have bled to death.

Why Americans Don't Eat Horse Meat

Doctors grumble at the popularity of alternative medicine, but the truth is that we still have a monopoly. This is not so in other civilized nations. In France and Germany, for example, herbal medicine is mainstream - i.e. health insurance pays for it.

When Americans get sick, almost all head straight for a medical doctor. From a doctor’s view, that’s the right decision. Scientific medicine works. But that’s not the reason. The idea that scientific explanations are the best has always been a minority view, and recent nutty events haven’t changed matters. In a free election, ghosts would win and evolution lose -- by a landslide.       

Americans mostly prefer medical doctors just as we prefer baseball and big cars. It’s an American thing. We don’t eat horse meat because…well, we don’t.

That Special Drug

Sick people yearn to get better, but hotel guests seem particularly impatient. Many are taking an expensive vacation or business trip, so illness is especially inconvenient.

After hearing how I plan to treat his bronchitis or laryngitis or upset stomach or rash, the guest often expresses gratitude but then makes it clear that this is an urgent situation. Really, really urgent….!

In the guest’s mind, if this plea succeeds, I’ll to say to myself: “Wait a minute…. This is not the usual case. This man needs the special, powerful drug I keep in reserve for deserving patients who absolutely must get better.”

Security

Cheap hotels skimp on security. I park, enter, and wander about at any hour, and no one bothers me. Luxury hotels also make my life easy. Visiting the Beverly Hills Hotel, I park on the street nearby and walk toward the nearest door which remains unlocked even during wee hours. When I press a button on the elevator, it obeys.

In between lies trouble. A Marriott, Hyatt, Hilton, or Holiday Inn has innumerable doors because fire regulations require them. But if I want the door to open, it’s the main entrance or nothing. The elevator requires a room key card before it responds. In the past I waited for a guest to enter, but technology is improving, so that often doesn’t work. 

A desk clerk who decides I’m not a suspicious character will make me a card, but I’ve whiled away many hours waiting for a security officer to escort me to the room, and it may take a firm effort to prevent him from following me inside.

Things Patients Tell Us That Are Almost Never True, Part 2

“It tasted funny….”

Everyone with an upset stomach blames their last meal, and some are right. But the toxins that make you sick quickly (mostly staphylococcal) and the bacteria that made you sick after a few days (salmonella, shigella, campylobacter) have no taste.

“My pressure is up.”

Calls from guests to “check my pressure” arrive regularly. I can’t remember a visit in which high blood pressure was the problem because high blood pressure doesn’t cause symptoms. I won’t mention the symptoms it doesn’t cause because no one believes me.

Things Patients Tell Us That Are Almost Never True, Part 1

“I need something stronger….”

It’s common sense that if a drug isn’t working, the doctor should prescribe a better drug. In fact, the usual reason a drug doesn’t work is that you have a problem a drug won’t solve. Mostly, when hotel guests make this statement, they’re taking an antibiotic for their bronchitis. A week or two has passed, and they’re still coughing. I have to explain that these illnesses last a week or two no matter what medicine you take. Similarly most “pinkeye” doesn’t respond to drops, and doctors still debate whether antibiotics help middle ear infections.     

“I’m allergic to….”

As I wrote on March 23, almost everyone who believes they’re allergic is wrong. Another large group claims that they’re allergic to a drug that upsets their stomach. In fact, this is not an allergy – meaning that it’s never fatal. This is important because you should never take a drug to which you are (genuinely) allergic. If a drug upsets your stomach but an alternative is more expensive or less effective, you might choose to feel sick for a while.

Always Pack a Flashlight

A guest searching for the bathroom at night stubbed his toe. Pain was excruciating.

Vomiting at 2 a.m. is good housecall. Chest pain at 2 a.m. is usually not a housecall. But some decisions when the phone rings at 2 a.m. are tricky.

Nothing about an injured toe is urgent except for the pain. Even if it’s fractured, the only treatment is to splint the toe by taping it to its neighbor.

Having told this to the guest, I hoped that he wouldn’t insist on a housecall. Once in the room, there is no problem, but I often never get there. After half an hour, while I’m still on the freeway, the guest may realize that the pain is tolerable and that he is on the hook for substantial cash (hotel doctors charge more during wee hours).

As often as not, the guest goes back to bed after asking the hotel operator to phone me and cancel. If I’m lucky, the operator makes the call.