Not Again! Again.

I was minding my own business on a plane returning to Los Angeles when I heard the elderly man in the adjacent middle-seat say:  “Victoria... Victoria?.... Victoria?...    VICTORIA!!...” Turning, I saw that he was shaking his wife who had passed out.

I informed the flight attendants who produced the traditional oxygen bottle plus a stethoscope and blood pressure cuff and made the usual request for any doctor on the plane. The wife began responding, if groggily. Her blood pressure was undetectable, but engine noise made listening difficult.

By this time, another doctor arrived. She was about forty years younger than I and anxious to be involved. She suspected it might be necessary to land the plane. This is not a decision airlines make lightly. Headphones and a long cord appeared, and, after some delay, she spoke to a doctor on the ground who advised taking the wife to the rear of the plane, laying her on the floor, starting an intravenous line, and observing. With the other doctor leading the way, everyone trundled up the aisle. I wasn’t required.

The couple returned to their seats when the plane began its approach two hours later. The wife seemed all right although she had no memory of what had happened. Paramedics came on board at the gate and led the couple away.

I waved off the flight attendants’ thanks, but they insisted on giving me five thousand frequent flier miles.     

A Stressful Life

I’m running low on ondansetron, the best antinausea pill.

Unfortunately, I’m not low on many other supplies. I buy through an internet pharmaceutical company that charges a fat handling fee for orders under $200. Eight bottles of ondansetron, 240 pills, will cost $25. I could use more tongue depressors, but 500 at $5.24 is not much help. I dispense large quantities of  cough medicine and lidocaine gargle for sore throats, but those cost only a few dollars a piece. My bottle of 500 Amoxicillin capsules ($28) is half empty; stocking up would help but medicines have expiration dates, so one must be careful.

A few years ago, after thirty years of use, my blood pressure cuff broke, but I had a spare. Should I buy another? Will I be practicing when I’m 108?....

One of my boasts is that, unlike other hotel doctors, the fee I announce is the fee I collect. I don’t charge extra for anything. It turns out that pills, injectables, and supplies for common ailments are so cheap that I struggle to assemble an order exceeding $200. Life is tough.

Things Patients Tell Us That Are Almost Never True, Part 2

“It tasted funny….”

Everyone with an upset stomach blames their last meal, and some are right. But the toxins that make you sick quickly (mostly staphylococcal) and the bacteria that made you sick after a few days (salmonella, shigella, campylobacter) have no taste.

“My pressure is up.”

Calls from guests to “check my pressure” arrive regularly. I can’t remember a visit in which high blood pressure was the problem because high blood pressure doesn’t cause symptoms. I won’t mention the symptoms it doesn’t cause because no one believes me.