No Income Today

A guest dropped an ice bucket on her toe. Pain was excruciating, and blood oozed out. Holding the toe under the tap didn’t help.

Over the phone, I explained that running water won’t stop bleeding. She should apply pressure and add ice to dull the pain. When I called an hour later, she was having dinner in the hotel restaurant.

A man had developed a slight cough, in his opinion a prelude to full-blown bronchitis. He wanted something to knock it out. I explained that, in a healthy person, viruses cause almost all coughs. I could come, but I couldn’t promise an antibiotic. The man said he would get a second opinion.

A toddler bumped his head against a bedpost and developed a lump the size of an egg. He felt fine, but the parents asked that I check him for brain injury. That requires a CT scan, I explained. He would certainly get one if he went to an emergency room, but the injury didn’t seem serious enough for that. It was OK to wait.

A guest had missed his flight because of an upset stomach. He was well now but needed a doctor’s note to avoid an expensive ticket-exchange fee. These requests put me in a difficult position. I can’t write “The patient was unable to travel because of an upset stomach” because I don’t know if that’s true (sometimes the patient admits that it isn’t). So I offer to write the truth: “The patient states that he suffered an upset stomach and could not travel.” I sweeten the pot by offering to fax it to the hotel at no charge.

Guests usually accept. To date, no one has complained, so it’s possible that the note works.

My Last Bad Check

A guest at the Hyatt had fallen ill and cancelled a flight. He had recovered, but the airline insisted on a doctor’s note before allowing him on board.

Determining if someone is healthy enough to fly usually requires only a few questions, but I do an exam. He delivered a steady patter as I worked, describing himself as a venture capitalist with an exciting but stressful life as he prepared for an important meeting in Japan.

As I composed the note, I saw him writing a check and immediately announced that I accept credit cards.

Apologizing, he told me that it would be a hassle unless payment came out of the company account. Seeing my hesitation, he added that he had credit cards and would give me a number in case there were a problem. He pulled one out and scribbled on my invoice, getting one number wrong. I noticed and made the correction. 

I’ve received a few dozen bad checks but only rarely after 2000 when I began accepting credit cards.

You can imagine my feeling later as I stood watching a teller fiddle at his computer…. and fiddle…. and fiddle… and finally explain that it wasn’t accepting the check.

Naturally, I felt stupid. Single males write almost all bad checks, and this guest fit the pattern.

Now came the tedious process of trying to recover the money which occasionally happens. As I expected, the address and phone number on the check were wrong. Asking the hotel for contact information sometimes helps, but in this case I learned that it must respect the guest’s privacy. The credit card was certainly worthless.

But it wasn’t! When I phoned the computer and entered the numbers, it approved. Some things are hard to explain.

Sticking With the Errant Doctor

A guest had a flight in a few hours, explained the front desk manager of the Marina Marriott. His wife was ill and needed a doctor’s note to reschedule. How fast could I get there?

“Very fast,” I said. It was Saturday evening, and I was reading a book.

The Marriott had called regularly for decades before falling silent a few years before. Hotels occasionally do that, and this call gave me hope.

My competitors enjoy an active social life. It was the weekend, and hotels often turn to me when the regular doctor is hard to reach. After caring for the guest, I returned to the lobby and tracked down the manager who shook my hand.

“Thank you so much for coming,” he said. “We have your card.”

I drove off in a happy mood. These urgent requests arrive several times a year, and my prompt response has won me new clients.

But not often. Few hotels give a high priority to providing medical services. The Marina Marriott reverted to silence.

Still, I have fond memories. Twenty years ago, Loews in Santa Monica phoned when its regular doctor hadn’t appeared after several hours. I hurried, but when I knocked on the guest’s door, it was the regular doctor who answered. The embarassed manager promised to make it up to me and kept his word.

The Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Card

“Our flight leaves at nine. My son was vomiting all afternoon but stopped a few hours ago. Is it OK to go?”

If I came to the hotel and found nothing wrong, I couldn’t promise that the child wouldn’t resume vomiting. I’d be more confident after a day, but the family didn’t want to hear that.

“There’s six of us going to Australia. We can’t miss the flight.”

Long ago you went to the local airline office and exchanged your ticket. Today airline offices are a distant memory, and ticket exchange with its expensive penalties strikes fear into the heart of any traveler.

Some get on the plane and hope for the best. Others ask the airline for advice. No carrier wants a sick person on board, and every customer service agent knows what to say. 

“They want a doctor’s note,” explained the same caller later. “Can you come?”

Most “doctor’s note” visits are a snap because the guest has already recovered, so I’m simply handing over a piece of paper. This is never true while the illness hasn’t run its course. Guests yearn for me to clear them, but I almost never do. Failing that, they hope my note will persuade the airline to reschedule everyone gratis. This sometimes works, but the era when my note served as a get-out-of-jail-free card is long past.

In this case, they were lucky. The airline insisted that four proceed on to Australia, reticketed the mother and child for the next flight in four days with no penalty but also no reimbursement for the extra days in the hotel.