"I Need a Shot"

Mostly, these callers are wrong, but now and then I hear from a guest undergoing legitimate treatment – usually for infertility – who needs a regular injection. They have the vial in their possession.

Invariably, they told their doctor that they must leave town, and the doctor messed up. He didn’t teach them how to self-inject or (if they recoiled at this) warn that finding someone to give an injection in a strange city guarantees frustration, wasted time, and massive expense.

Hotel doctors are in it for the money. Most guests are not terribly sick, and delivering an injection is only a little easier than the usual visit, so there’s no great reason to give a discount.

A walk-in clinic is less convenient and cheaper but probably futile. The doctor (a G.P. like me) is likely to examine the vial of medicine and say to himself:

1.     This is a medicine I don’t prescribe.

2.     I’m supposed to give it on the patient’s say-so.

3.     If she sues me, (1) and (2) will not help my defense.

If you think a letter from your doctor will change his mind, read my blog post “A Letter from His Doctor.” (April 20, 2016).

Nurses earn less than doctors, but nurses do not give medicine without a doctor’s order. A guest must convince a doctor to order the shot (good luck with that). Then a nursing service will send one of its nurses to give the injection. This will cost more than a hotel doctor’s visit.

If the medicine seems reasonable and being a nice fellow, I give injections free if the guest comes to my house. Don’t depend on that anywhere else. 

Work That Pays Very Well

How many of you would take a job that paid 200 dollars an hour for driving your car? (for my international readers that’s 200 euros, 1400 yuan, or 12,000 rubles).

All of you, right?... But no doctors.

$200 an hour is what I earn for a distant housecall. It may take three hours to drive fifty miles to Newport Beach, care for a patient, and return.

I’ve made hundreds, but the colleague who covers for me refuses them, and no other housecall or hotel doctor in Los Angeles will drive far.

I’m not exaggerating when I write that I’m paid for driving. 95 percent of my patients suffer minor illnesses – respiratory infections, rashes, upset stomachs – that I’ve seen a thousand times. So it’s a matter of (1) a long, boring drive, (2) doing some easy stuff, and (3) another long, boring drive.   

Doctors get into trouble when they assume no one is sick, so I try to pay attention. And five percent of patients describe symptoms that might be serious. I worry on those drives, but usually everything works out.

When a Doctor Sees a Doctor, Part 2

Doctors enjoy chatting about diseases but not their own. We’re as frightened as you, and we want a doctor who sympathizes and makes it go away.

Some doctors don’t understand this. They assume that, being in the business, we don’t require any touchy-feely stuff and that it’s OK to talk shop.

Twenty years ago my dermatologist biopsied a bump near my ear. When he revealed it showed a basal cell carcinoma, he had me look through the office microscope at the biopsy slide, and I saw my cancer cells. Ik!....

Five years ago, my internist heard a heart murmur and sent me to a cardiologist. After determining that I had a damaged mitral valve, he led me into an adjacent room to show the ultrasound. Since I was a doctor, he took for granted that I wanted to know the technical details, but I absolutely did not want to see a film of my poor, diseased heart in action. As he happily pointed out the leaky valve I tried not to look.

We returned to his office where he extolled the skills of a cardiac surgeon at the nearby university hospital who had great success repairing heart valves. While it wasn’t urgent, he was certain I’d enjoy talking to him.

I found another cardiologist whom I like much better. I might need surgery in the future, he explained. He’ll let me know. I see him for an ultrasound every six months. Otherwise I try not to think about it.

A Hotel Doctor at the Movies

My phone buzzed. 

I sit on the aisle in theaters, so I can hurry out before speaking.

“Can you see a guest at the Sheraton?”

“Which Sheraton?”

The insurance dispatcher gave an address that I didn’t recognize. It turned out to be in San Francisco, so I was back in the theater in less than a minute. This doesn’t happen often. Mostly, when a call arrives, I leave.

When hotel guests phone directly, the conversation always takes a few minutes. Even if a housecall isn’t necessary, I’ve missed too much of the movie.

When insurance agencies phone, a housecall is almost always necessary, and it takes a few minutes to copy the information. 

What to do then…. Most patients are willing to wait a few hours until the movie ends, but I never ask them. While I don’t deny that I’m a deeply caring person, I’m also a Type-A personality. If there’s work to be done, I can’t relax until it’s done, so I always leave. This does not sit well with my wife, so we usually go to the movies in two cars.

Cashiers give me a refund if I explain that I’m a doctor on-call, but once the movie is under way, I don’t ask. My fee for a visit is much higher than a movie admission. Most of the time I’m happy to get away. I doubt if I return to a quarter of the movies after I’m called away.

When a Doctor Sees a Doctor, Part 1

You might believe that doctors deliver better care to other doctors, but I’m not sure that’s true. It might be worse.

As a hotel doctor, I’d rather not care for a guest who happens to be a physician. For one thing, he’s likely to hint that I shouldn’t charge him.

He’s also less likely to give up his authority. Non-physicians often tell me their diagnosis and the proper treatment. Sometimes they’re right, but they rarely object if I disagree. They assume I know more than they do. When physician hotel guests tell me their opinion on the initial phone call, I’m tempted to let them have their way and avoid a housecall. Once in the room, I’d rather not be treated as a colleague. 

When I go to new doctors, I never reveal my profession (under “work” I write “self-employed”). They’re supposed to ask, but it’s not a priority.

My current dermatologist doesn’t know I’m a doctor, so I listen patiently to many explanations that aren’t necessary, but that’s fine with me. I want her to treat me like everyone else. After five years, my family doctor casually asked what I did for a living, and I could detect his surprise when I answered. But I’m satisfied with the medical care he delivers. On the rare occasion he makes a suggestion that I disagree with, I behave like any other patient. I keep my mouth shut and ignore it.

Some Lawyers are not so Smart

I hate doctor TV series except out-and-out comedies such as Scrubs. All TV doctors say things doctors never say and do things doctors never do. 

I’m certain everyone with expertise, whether in the law, plumbing, or stamp-collecting, rolls their eyes when TV writers portray them.

Having said this, I confess that my wife and I love The Good Wife which is about lawyers. It’s brilliantly written, but I have no quarrel with legions of lawyers who fill the “comment” section of web sites with furious denunciations of its inaccuracies. I acknowledge that those in The Good Wife do things lawyers never do (such as sleuthing), and they are dazzling in courtroom cross-examinations.

I sympathize because, in the years before I became a hotel doctor, I was cross-examined twice. I was not the defendant but one of the doctors who cared for the patients whose misfortune produced the suits.

Having watched TV lawyers tear witnesses to shreds, I was nervous. Asked certain questions, I would have had to think hard to defend my actions, but those questions never came.

The lawyers seemed not terribly sharp. It was clear that they hadn’t boned up on their client’s medical problems. I had no trouble.

One lawyer enlarged a xerox of a page in the patient’s chart and displayed it before the court. Unlike the other illegible scrawls, my entry was neatly typed. Clearly that was suspicious, he proclaimed. How did I explain that?

This did not show great acumen. How much IQ would it have taken to learn that I typed all my chart notes?   

Don't Harm My Child

Examining a sick child during a routine hotel visit, I asked about previous illnesses, allergies, and hospitalizations. I asked if his immunizations were up to date.

“They’re not,” said the mother. “We don’t do vaccinations in this family.”

Evidence that immunization saves lives is overwhelming. Evidence is also overwhelming that people with deeply held beliefs are immune to evidence, so using it to change their minds is fruitless. I’ve never succeeded.

Sticking to straightforward common sense, I explain what these parents must do.

“Your family doctor is a menace. It doesn’t matter that you like him or that he agrees not to immunize your children.”

“He believes that immunization is good. Your research convinces you that he’s wrong, and you’re certain you’re preventing him from harming your child. But if this doctor believes one horribly wrong thing, there must be others. We use thousands of injectables, drugs, and procedures. There’s no way you can check them all out.”

“The only logical solution is to take your child to someone who will never do anything that might harm him. M.D.’s and osteopaths are hopeless. Even alternative schools – herbalists, naturopathy, acupuncture, chiropractic – do stuff. You should consider a psychic healer.”

In truth, I’ve never said this. I take care of the immediate problem and keep my mouth shut.