You'd Better Ask How Much

Before leaving on a housecall, I tell guests my fee, but this is not universal among hotel doctors. Guests may learn when the doctor hands over the invoice at the end of the visit.

It’s often a bombshell. I recall a guest who showed me a bill for $1140, and I’ve seen higher. It takes huge balls for a doctor to do this, but it works. People who will quarrel with an unreasonable charge that arrives in the mail may keep quiet face-to-face with a doctor in a room far from home. 

Long, long ago I made visits for a national concierge agency that boasted it would fulfill a hotel guest’s every need. It was a luxury service, but not everyone in an upscale hotel is filthy rich. After collecting an immense fee from several resentful guests, I stopped accepting the agency’s calls.

Calling Paramedics

If you want reach a hospital as fast as possible, get in your car and drive.

Paramedics are slower. They’re essential if a problem might be life-threatening or requires special handling such as a fracture. They sometimes transport even if their expertise isn’t required, but it’s not guaranteed. If you have a bellyache or high fever, they might leave and tell you to take a cab.

Phoned in the middle of the night, some hotel doctors determine that everyone requires paramedics. With no office job I don’t mind getting out of bed and do so regularly, but if the guest sounds like a genuine emergency, I have difficulty persuading the hotel that it has an urgent problem.

“I just talked to a guest, Mr. Elwood, in 435. He’s confused and can’t get out of bed. He needs paramedics.”

“I’ll send a bellman up right away.”

“No, you have to call the paramedics.”

“I’ll call Security. They’ll send someone to the room.”

“You have to call the paramedics.”

“Maybe you should talk to the manager on duty.”

At any hour, the noisy arrival of the ambulance followed by a train of fire engines disturbs everyone, so convincing a hotel to make the call often takes an effort.

Sometimes This Job is a Snap

I saw a man at the Hollywood Roosevelt with a numb arm. That’s an odd complaint but unlikely to represent something serious in a 26 year-old.

He had fallen asleep on the plane, resting his head on his palm with an elbow on the arm rest. On awakening he felt numbness down his forearm. This was easy.

The ulnar nerve that supplies the hand passes under your medial epicondyle, the knob you can feel inside your elbow. It’s a poor design because the nerve is exposed. Hitting it produces tingling down your arm to the little finger. It’s the “funny bone.”

Cab drivers who spend the day with one arm resting on the door often suffer the same symptom. Once they change position, the discomfort disappears in a few days.

Drugs are Cheap

Getting a syringe from my supply closet, I noticed that only a dozen remain. I’d better order more. A hundred syringes costs $12.

I buy from an internet medical supply company. For orders under $200 it charges a fat “handling fee,” so I try to order enough to exceed it. Most of my purchases are drugs, but that presents a problem because they’re so cheap.

I notice other hotel doctors charging $50 to $150 for an injection. I carry seven injectables. The content of a single shot of all seven rarely cost more than a dollar.  

What do I need?..... I stock B12 not because it’s necessary but because guests ask for it. This doesn’t happen often, so my bottle is almost out of date. The price has gone up, but it’s still $31 for a 30cc vial. That’s thirty injections.

I’m down to a few dozen Ondansetron tablets, the best nausea remedy. Ten bottles of thirty will set me back $37.

It never hurts to stock up on loperamide (Imodium is the brand), my favorite diarrhea treatment, but I was surprised to discover the price has jumped to ten times what I paid a few years ago: $104 for five hundred. Many old but important drugs such as penicillin that once cost pennies a pill have skyrocketed to dazzling levels. The weird thing about loperamide: it’s sold over-the-counter. Walmart charges $5.00 for a bottle of 72. That works out to $35 per five hundred. I’ll buy loperamide from Walmart.

I’m not short of many drugs, and buying too many is dangerous. At over ten dollars a bottle, my most expensive is antibiotic drops for swimmer’s ear. Swimmer’s ear has been unexpectedly rare, and I recently discarded five bottles that expired in January. My remaining three expire in May. Should I buy more?  Doctors have to make tough decisions…