A Better Shot

 “Is he a VIP?”

“All our citizens are VIPs” said the consul for Qatar, referring to a countryman at the Airport Hilton.

Sick guests from small nations often call the local consul. Asked to find a doctor, he usually phones the hotel.

Once a consul has my number, he tends to remember it, so these calls are good news. On the other hand, guests who phone the consul feel worse than usual.

A woman in a headscarf answered door, and indicated a young man, curled up in bed. It was their honeymoon. Back pain is usually an easy visit from my point of view. Most acute backs are not so bad after the first day, and they steadily improve.

Unfortunately, this was not the first day. Pain had come on three days earlier in Las Vegas. A hotel doctor had dispensed the usual remedies, and pain had diminished only to return the following day.

I delivered the largest injection and strongest pills in my possession, adding that he would need more evaluation if this didn’t work.

At midnight, he phoned to say that he had improved, but now pain made it difficult to sleep. He agreed to go to an ER but wanted to wait until morning. There was no answer when I called that morning or that afternoon.

The ER doctor had performed the usual tests and then given a shot, the guest said that evening, but it was not as good as mine. Desperate to return home, he had booked a flight. Would I give another shot before he checked out?

So I did. Handing over a business card, he urged me to visit if I came to Qatar. Then, supported by the wife and a cane, he hobbled off.

Worry, Part 1

A guest had stumbled in the shower and thrown out her back. Could I make a visit to decide if she needed hospitalization?

Going to the hospital with back pain is a bad idea; even if you’re in agony, no doctor will admit you without evidence of nerve damage such as paralysis or inability to urinate. He will order x-rays (worthless for acute back pain but an ER tradition), explain that you will recover in a few days, and prescribe pain medication.

My examination showed no nerve damage, so I explained that she would probably improve in a few days. I handed over pain pills, adding that, while it wasn’t essential, I could give an injection that would help for several hours. She agreed, so I gave it. 

 “Not so good,” she replied when I called to ask how she was doing. She had been vomiting since the injection, and each vomit hurt her back. That’s an occasional side-effect. I assured her it would pass, but I worried.

She was marginally better the following morning and the morning after that. She wanted to fly home. Could I provide medical clearance? Visits for “medical clearance” are a lucrative perk of hotel doctoring, but I resisted the temptation, explaining that there’s no medical reason why someone with back pain can’t travel. If she could hobble onto the plane, she should go.

Could I give a “mild” injection so she could move more easily. No such injection exists. I suggested she try the pain medicine.

Later, the lady reported that the medicine made her dizzy. What should she do? I told her it would pass. Rest is not helpful for treating back pain. She should try to make her plane. When I called later she had checked out. I worried that I might hear from her, but I didn’t.

Low Back Pain

Finishing at a hairdresser, a guest at a West Hollywood hotel had bent over and thrown out her back. Now she wanted “a shot” so she could stand and get back to the hotel.

I’ve cared for several hundred guests with back pain. These are fairly satisfying visits. I deliver an injection which makes the patient giddy, so time passes more quickly. By the following day, the pain is not so bad. Back pain slowly improves even if not treated.

Hotel guests are already in bed, and that’s where they stay. This lady would have to move, and over the phone I warned that the injection would not make that easier. Powerful narcotics work best against “deep” pain such as a kidney stone or heart attack, not so well when it’s sharp and acute. If I were to give you a huge dose of morphine and then touch a lit match to your fingertip, you’d feel the usual amount of pain. These warnings rarely work, and they didn’t work this time.

Beverly Hills treats residents kindly. For example, parking is much easier than in surrounding Los Angeles. If you’re just passing through, Beverly Hills shows no mercy. Traffic lights along Santa Monica Boulevard change simultaneously, so there’s no hope of getting through even when streets are empty. During the rush hour, traffic proceeds a few streets at a time. I cultivate tranquility, listen to my CD book, focus on the car ahead, and never look at my watch.  

Fortunately, the beauty shop closed at five, so I encountered only the patient, her companions, and a few employees. I examined her and then delivered the shot, gave pain pills for later, and assured her that she’d feel not-so-bad after a night in bed. Groaning and supported by friends, she hobbled off.

Medicine and Pornography

Twenty years ago my back began hurting. After a week of hobbling, I went to a doctor who ordered an X-ray that showed “arthritis.” He injected something into the area. I didn’t notice an improvement, but after a few weeks the pain disappeared. Almost all low back pain goes away.

I had received what medical experts calls a “low value service.” You would call it a “useless test.” Good studies show that if you have acute back pain alone (without another symptom such as fever or a neurological defect) X-rays rarely help, and that includes super-X-rays such as CT scans or MRIs.

For years the medical establishment has been waging a campaign called “Choosing Wisely.”  It’s an admirable effort to persuade doctors (tactfully, no pressure…..) to stop ordering worthless tests, performing procedures that don’t help, or prescribing useless antibiotics. You can Google it.

Is it working?... Maybe a little. For decades journals have published studies in which a medical group tries to encourage its doctors to practice better medicine. Sometimes these programs flop. Sometimes they succeed but never dramatically. Unless it’s unpleasant (like a colonoscopy) patients like doctors to do stuff. Doctors themselves like to take action even if they know (they usually know) that it probably won’t work.

It’s like watching pornography. Most doctors feel a twinge of shame after they do something that’s not likely to help. They don’t disagree with experts who disapprove. But when a patient walks in, and they feel the itch…..