Give miracle shots. Whenever a
movie character is crazy or really upset, a doctor delivers a shot that calms
him. I wish I knew what it contained… Movie doctors are always putting
characters to sleep, but no shot does that. An anesthetic delivered
intravenously makes you unconscious, but that’s dangerous outside an operating
room as Michael Jackson’s doctor learned.
Livesaving pills. I see this
less often today, but in older movies a character would suddenly be dying. He
wouldn’t have “his pills.” Everyone would look frantically for “his pills.”
Someone would find them. He would take one and recover. I can’t think what
disease does that.
Movie doctors are always
saying “You have six months to live.” We
can predict average life expectancy for a fatal disease by tracking a few
hundred victims, but that’s meaningless for an individual who could live a week
or years.
“Tests show that you have
incurable cancer.” Movie doctors who say this are never portrayed as
incompetent, although they are. Delivering bad news is a skill no different
from diagnosing a heart murmur. A movie buff will explain that the screenwriter
can’t spend the time required for a realistic interchange, and I agree on the
problem. But here’s the solution: a better writer. A bad writer uses these dumb
shortcuts.
“You need plenty of rest and
absolute calm.” This is so Victorian…. Bed rest is wildly unhealthy. Bones
dissolve. Blood clots. The bowel falls silent. Today patients are dragged out
of bed a day or two after major surgery. Doctors once believed that excitement
damaged the heart. Intense emotion might cause a heart attack, so people with
heart disease should stay calm. We don’t believe that anymore.
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